December 5, 7, 12, 13 & 14, 2013
Presented with Théâtre Urbi et Orbi
Directed and original music by Harry Standjofski
Urban Tales turns up the heat this winter with a special, estrogen-charged Ladies’ Night edition that will make your inner Grinch feel all toasty inside.
Written by well-known local playwrights, the anti-Yuletide spectacular features seven sparkling Montreal actresses who set the stage ablaze with monologues that spoof the ideal of seasonal holiday cheer.
Presented in an intimate cabaret-style setting, their deliciously dark and sometimes naughty performances include hilarious accounts of dried up, flavourless turkeys, a grouchy family tree trimming and the desires of a self-professed sex God.
Full-throttle anti-holiday entertainment that will melt Grinch’s icy heart!
Not to be missed! For mature audiences.
The Perfect Bird
by Caitlin Murphy as told by Patricia Summersett
Every year, for Christmas dinner, I cook the perfect bird. I mean perfect. You have not tasted turkey my friends. Every year, you choke down some dried up, flavourless crap, smile and suffer through it because, I don’t know, you’re Canadian, and it’s the holidays, and “maybe turkey’s just supposed to suck anyway?” Well, it’s not. Not in my kitchen. Not over my dead body.
Kill Me Now
written & performed by Johanna Nutter
He tells me he’s come up with an incentive for New Year’s Eve. A bottle of Crystal for the staff member who sells the most champagne. That will make me run my pretty little ass off… Say I’m a genius Johanna. No, say I’m a sex God.
A Christmas Curdle
by TJ Dawe as told by Julie Tamiko Manning
All right, so it’s Christmas. And in case any of you don’t know who I am, I’m Margo Viola, artistic director of one of the biggest theatres in this whole fucking town. And in the theatre, Christmas - and by Christmas, I’m talking the whole Christmas season - means one thing, and one thing only: Time to fleece the rubes!
by Michael Mackenzie as told by Tamara Brown
It’s small, cramped, with the bales and few chairs to sit on, a bunch of women and a South-Asian guy doing impossibly tiny embroidery. No one under – what - sixty? They’re sitting jammed in and talking in a mix of French, English, Ukrainian? Greek? Maybe Polish? Like I said, the real Montreal
Christmas Cheer (naughty or nice)
by Colleen Curran as told by Danielle Desormeaux
My Auntie Norma said, ”Jasmine, you’re such a Queen of Christmas Spirit, I bet if a doctor sliced up your brain, they’d find the North Pole smack in the middle there!” She wasn’t wrong about that.
Thank your Father
by Harry Standjofski as told by Alarey Alsip
Last year… you asked me: why are you so grouchy, it’s Christmas? You remember? No? You and your father were trimming the tree and I wasn’t helping. Well you asked me that… Can I tell you a story? How you came to be born in Canada.
Woman, from Behind
by Yvan Bienvenue, translated by Harry Standjofski, as told by Leni Parker
These are the vague ramblings
Of a grey heart and soul
I walk blue-veiled
in the daylight
seen only from behind
... I am an ugly woman
who mostly comes out at night...
to drown myself in dark
and wine and vice