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Urban Tales X - An Undead Xmas (2016)

Created in collaboration with

Directed by Harry Standjofski / Music by Standjofski2-Figols

Centaur Theatre presents

Urban Tales X

An Undead Xmas (2016)

December 8 to 17, 2016

Urbi et Orbi

Bizarre, twisted and endlessly entertaining

New outrageous stories by local playwrights every year, told by some of Montreal’s most beloved actors in an intimate cabaret setting. This year’s satirical storytelling toasts the ghosts of Christmas past, present and future. Beware the weak of heart!

TICKETS

Michel Perron

Emile 1976

By Yvan Bienvenue, translated by Harry Standjofski

Told by Michel Perron

 

This morning there’s only silence

The whole house is deep in sleep

The dreams are all bundled up

in the decorated boxes

under the tree

little boxes, bigger ones

in which the dreams

sometimes

are in-verse-ly pro-por-tion-al

You ever had one of those inversely proportional dreams?

They are the best

Alain Goulem

I Saw Mommy Eating Santa Claus

Written & told by Alain Goulem

 

The crowds, the noise, the incessant shopping for things that nobody wants anyway, the force fed glee, the ugly sweaters, traffic, fake plastic trees, the greed of it all… but more than anything, it’s the over indulgence that gets me. I spend so much of the year trying to control myself to be the best me, and then the holidays are here and… and… Christmas is a tough time of year for a lot of folks… but it’s really tough on the Undead.

Jane Wheeler

It’s a Wonderful Life

By Alexandria Haber

Told by Jane Wheeler

 

I look at him, I ask him: what on earth is gong on, when Harold, my Harold starts to cry and leans in to kiss Eve.

Whoa!! I am standing right here!

As Harold keeps kissing her, Eve is moaning Oh Santa, Santa!

And all of a sudden it all comes back to me, whooshing in like the cold air, Eve brought in with her, a kaleidoscope of whirling memories. Oh Goodness, my head, my head! I have heard that moan before. The company Christmas Party.  The men’s washroom.

Stephanie Costa

Foolish, Foolish Thief

By Arthur Holden

Told by Stephanie Costa

 

But I won’t turn you in. I don’t even blame you for coming here. I mean, look around. Have you ever seen such trees? Timeless. Perfect. Standing there in the moonlight, their boughs outstretched, they could almost be human. Any one of these trees would look beautiful in your living room, strung with lights and tinsel. The fact that you’d have to hack it from its roots to decorate your home for a week or two before tossing the dead remnants into the street to be taken away and mulched... well... that’s just how we do things, isn’t it? There’s always a price to pay. Yes. I’ve made up my mind. You can cut down a tree after all.

Danette Mackay

The Double-Goer

By L.M. Leonard,

Told by Danette MacKay

 

We also investigated Mary Gallagher, the headless whore of Griffin Town. Popping up every year like a jack in the box, a grudge in her heart and looking for her head. Tricky business. Part of the job is realizing the dead are lonely. They’re talking their asses off and nobody is listening -- and then there are the dead who just won’t let go. Wailing like Banshees, saying “I’m sorry” over and over, but all you hear is a kind of hissing on the wind. Those are the cases that stay with you. The ones you have to let the angels solve.

don’t shout, don’t cry

By Harry Standjofski

Told by Daniel Brochu

 

Night after night: I’d collapse asleep at bedtime and then wake with a start for what seemed no reason at all around 3 and my wife would be whispering.

I started to suspect that she wasn't asleep at all, that she was toying with me but my nudging her, her turning over to face the other way would only bring a few minutes of peace and then she would begin again.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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